My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
