I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
