fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i need an iv and a liver transplant
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
