Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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