couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
