I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
