Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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