I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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