Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
