I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Everything about him screamed your future.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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