She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
