First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
