Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
