I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
