I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
