eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
