We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
