I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
