That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
