He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
