listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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