Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
