i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
