think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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