Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
