When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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