I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
