Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize