Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize