Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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