I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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