remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
