Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
