i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize