Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
