In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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