I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
