First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My bed smells like the plague
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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