I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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