We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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