Need sex. Gaining weight.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
