oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
