my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
