The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
