My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
