Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
