The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
