Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
