The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize