a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she pinky promised me she was 18
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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