I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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