you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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