Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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