i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize