then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
