normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
