The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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