then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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